25 Ways to Irritate Black Cat Characters
by Ms. Kreatopita
Summary: Ms. K examines different methods for annoying each of the characters of Black Cat in twenty-five different ways! Includes some multi-person clusters. Do not be alarmed by the randomness; it's been tethered on a leash...for now.
1. Sven Vollfied

Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Sven Vollfied

**Disclaimers: I'll go ahead and do it all right now: I do not own any of the Black Cat characters. There, I did it. Why is Ms. Kreatopita not working diligently on the other stories, you ask? Let's say she needed a break, but that the fourth Black Cat Folly is almost done and should be out very, very soon!**

**Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Sven Vollfied**

Steal his cigarettes.

Wave a stack of 100 bills in his face.

Better yet, burn them in front of him.

Replace his smokes with bubblegum cigarettes.

Sign him up for a twelve-step program.

Stick colorful flowers on his hat.

Dye his suit jet black, or if you really have a death wish, hot pink.

Ask him if green is his natural hair color.

Give him a senior discount whenever he shops, and announce it aloud. If he isn't fazed, tell him he's eligible for AARP.

Insist on calling him a "Sveeper."

Question him on his relationship to Eve, and shout "Pedophile!" regardless of his answer.

Chain him to a chair while you pig out at the buffet line.

Poke him in the vision eye.

Spray paint the words "porn stash" on his attaché.

Every five minutes, ask him how much in debt he is.

Remark that his cooking is worse than Tearju's.

Let Train play with that invention he's been working on endlessly for the past month and a half.

Put his hair in a ponytail. (Actually, that would be very hot!)

Ask him about his Code of Chivalry, and when he tries to answer, interrupt him by saying, "So that means you can't get laid?!"

Tell him he's pretty sexy for an old guy.

Give him a false lead in which he winds up going around town in circles for hours.

Request for him to foresee ridiculous things about your future (i.e. what you'll have for lunch tomorrow, whether or not so-and-so will ask you out).

Tell Train to go splurge on food.

Pester him about when he's going to bang Tearju.

Replace the contents of his attaché with a jack-in-the-box.


	2. Train Heartnet

Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Train Heartnet

**Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Train Heartnet**

Send him to milk rehab.

Replace his current little bell with a big cowbell.

Give his phone number out to at least ten ADHD-prone girls with high pitched voices.

If you're a woman, cry your ass off.

Fill up his milk bottles with white paint.

Place him on a lactose-free, gluten-free, fat-free, sugar-free, meat-free diet.

Tell him that he has a stupid gun because it doesn't shoot confetti.

Attempt to eat the donuts on his jacket.

Make up a gross story about how milk is _really _made.

Do your worst, most ditzy imitation of Saya Minatsuki.

Write random smutty letters to him, and end them with "Your devoted lover until the end of days, Creed."

Tie ribbons in his hair, remarking all the while that "it's becoming of a lady."

Declare that thirteen has to be the gayest number of all time.

Chant "I'm gonna be the Master of Disguise" nonstop.

Ask him to write, with both hands, two different sentences in cursive at the same time.

Tell him that Eve would rather die from a toe infection than consider him more than a friend.

Call him Jenos.

Put him in the same dress Sven had to wear during episode 9.

Clog his gun with gorilla glue.

Invite him to an expensive restaurant for lunch, your treat. After he's eaten his fill, exclaim that you forgot your wallet at home, so he'll have to pay.

If ever he mentions that he's a Sweeper, immediately hand him a broom.

Remind him that as the Black Cat, he ought to get neutered.

Hire him to kill that pesky raccoon that's been eating out of your garbage for the past month.

Cover all of his clothing with cat hair.

State that there's a bounty on his head, then place a roll of Bounty paper towels on top of his head.


	3. Eve

Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Eve

**Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Eve**

Shave her head bald.

Nag her about why she's reading when she could be outside playing like normal kids do.

Ask her if she wants to see fireworks, and when she says yes, take out a lighter and ignite her clothing, stating "See? Fire works!"

Pretend to gossip about Sven doing the big nasty with Tearju.

Tell her that there is a specific term for a female Sweeper; it's called a maid.

Have Train doodle all over Eve's books.

Insist that everything she has ever read about sex is wrong.

Or, if you really want to break her spirit, convince her that all print media is funded by Torneo.

Hit on her by asking if her nanomachines are attracted to chick magnets.

Get Woodney to babysit her for a week.

Whenever she's with Train and Sven, go up to her with a concerned look and ask quite loudly, "Are you sure you don't need me to call Child Protection Services?"

Tell her that the Amazon Kindle could kick her ass.

Show her candid footage of Leon acting like a rude, immature idiot.

Remind her that mermaids are incapable of having long-term relationships.

Ask her how many ducks she had to kill to make those angel wings.

Replace the regular pages in her current book with ones that have the line "Passersby were amazed by the large amounts of blood" repeated over and over.

Talk nonstop about how great Train is.

Refuse to leave her alone until she uses her nanomachines to increase the size of her boobs.

Sic a random white cat with rabies on her.

Forcefully tell her that ice cream is for depressed, fat people.

While you're at it, ask her if she is depressed; if she answers no, shake your head and mutter "The first step is always denial."

Buy her a shirt that says "Train's Little Princess."

Inquire about whether her intelligence is a cover-up for the hidden clumsiness she inherited from Tearju.

Volunteer her as a product for the show _How It's Made_.

Get Sven to shout "Who's your daddy?" a few times in public.


	4. Rinslet Walker

Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Rinslet Walker

**Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Rinslet Walker**

Call her Rinslut.

Send her on a blind date with an unattractive fat guy (i.e. Woodney).

Replace her entire wardrobe with muumuus.

Deduct a good chunk of her payment and donate it to charity.

Better yet, just take the money and run!

Tell her that no, Eve does not appreciate it when she goes out to buy cutesy, expensive girl clothing.

Take all her wigs, dye them purple, and style them exactly like her normal hair.

Make her take a road trip with Sephiria.

Ask her if she's got a thing going on with Sven, and when she answers no, tell her that she's blushing even if she really isn't.

Steal her makeup.

Give Eve said makeup in order to create an abstract work of art using her clothing as canvas.

Put an exploding pen in her purse (the one filled with all the handy spy stuff).

Poke her boobs to check if they're real.

Create a little Jenos doll and leave it for her with a note saying "Jenos dropped this off. Insisted you sleep with it. Probably has hidden camera but not sure. (signed, Train)"

Find her mother so she can disapprove of everything her daughter is doing.

Innocently trip her so that she falls directly on Train, take several pictures, and post them on the internet.

Pawn her jewelry.

Bug her by constantly asking "Who would you rather see naked: Beluga or Maro?" and refuse to leave her alone until she answers.

Volunteer her for the show "Flavor of Love".

Next time she goes to a train station, get Jenos to stand outside her car with a big sign saying "Ride the Jenos Express to Destiny!"

Ask her if she has an STD every ten minutes.

Draw the random white cat in sharpie on all her credit cards.

Travel around to bathrooms around the country and scribble on the wall "Looking for a good time? Call Rinslet (put her cell number here)."

Ask her, with a serious face, if Sven has "used his Heaven's Thunder cannon on her" yet. Then run like hell.

Make her wait for a very, very long time.


	5. Creed Diskenth

Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Creed Diskenth

**Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Creed Diskenth**

Give him a buzz cut.

Next time he goes to the doctor, tell him he has AIDS.

Convince him that Saya is still alive, only she's living in Graceland with Elvis and Tupac.

Release a bunch of aphids onto his roses.

Dip his Imagine Blade in quick-drying cement.

Inquire about what exactly he was on when he came up with the name "Apostles of the Stars."

Shatter his _Brokeback Mountain_ DVD.

Put up a bounty poster with that picture you found of him cross-dressing.

Chain him up to a chair, tape his eyes open, and force him to watch Spike TV for ten hours straight.

Ban him from wearing any clothing that has fur or animal print (in other words, you'd pretty much have to trash his whole wardrobe).

Meow.

Use the expression "Man, I'd give my left arm for (insert action/thing)" as much as you can.

Decapitate his Train doll.

Argue that Janet Jackson is more of a man than he is.

Give Durham permission to go nuts and do his own thing, suggesting that he first go streaking.

E-mail him a link titled "Naked Train" that, when clicked, takes him to a picture of an unpainted rail engine.

Offer to "console his aching heart" by hooking him up with another man.

Talk about how Chronos is a superior organization and about how you hope their influence grows from one-third to half of the world's economy.

Sing "If You Were Gay" from the musical _Avenue Q_.

Refer to Train as "that guy", "poof head", "Fartnet", or "the idiot who can't shoot a pistol worth jack".

Bring Saya back from the dead.

Tell him that Chronos designed all of the clothing that he wears.

Have Maro sit on him.

Insist that Charden is twice as pretty and four times more appealing to men than he is.

Tell him that Train's heart belongs to Sven.


	6. Cerberus V, VII, XI

Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Cerberus (Numbers V, VII, and XI)

**Twenty-five Ways to Irritate Cerberus (Numbers V, VII, and XI)**

**Nizer Bruckheimer (V)**

Wax his head (with car wax, of course).

Replace his cigars with chocolate wafer ones (available at your local candy store).

Ask him if he is in any way related to Jerry Bruckheimer.

Keep calling him things that rhyme with Nizer (Kaiser, geyser, riser, circumciser, etc.).

Draw a soccer ball design on his head.

Ask him if his hatred for Creed comes from the fact that their "relationship" had a few undeniable problems and they couldn't be together anymore.

Tell him to stop kvetching about the new Number X; he's better than Ash.

Paint his tonfas bright orange.

**Jenos Hazard (VII)**

Proclaim that strings are a retarded weapon unless he's Maxwell Smart.

Tell him that Rinslet has already done it with all/one of the following: Train, Sven, Creed, Doctor, Charden, Maro, Shiki, Kranz, Nizer, Beluga, and feel free to add anyone else you can think of.

Ask him if he got that glove from Michael Jackson.

Force him to wear a Scarlet J.

Change his first name to "Environmental".

Hook him up on a blind date with a transvestite.

Inform the entire world that he has erectile dysfunction.

Call him Train.

**Beluga J. Heard (XI)**

Tell him he looks more like a penguin than a whale.

Ask him if he's related to Bullwinkle J. Moose.

Wake him up any time he's just getting comfy in bed and about to fall asleep.

Load his bazooka with watermelons.

Remind him that he has an important "porpoise" in the Numbers.

Nickname him Lulu.

Inquire about the size of his "other bazooka".

Sing "Baby Beluga" by Raffi at his funeral.

**All Three**

Refer to them as the Three Stooges, with Nizer as Curly, Beluga as Larry, and Jenos as Moe.


	7. Apostles of the Stars Part 1

Twenty-five Ways to Irritate the Apostles of the Stars (Part 1)

**Twenty-five Ways to Irritate the Apostles of the Stars (Part 1)**

**Charden Flamberg**

Place him in a padded room with no sharp edges.

Chop off his hair to neck length and dye it green.

Proceed by putting makeup on him and calling him the Joker.

Use the leftover hair to make a wig and give it to Nizer.

Pit him against an opponent who has AIDS.

Stuff a few white bunnies in his top hat.

Flatten the top of his hat by running over it (just make sure to take the bunnies out first).

Steal his sunglasses, and when he comes looking for them, hand him a pair of glasses with those Slinky eyes.

**Kyoko Kirisaki**

Set her up on a sugar-free diet.

Lay some raw strips of bacon and cracked eggs on her stomach and announce that breakfast is on Kyoko (She'll be pissed off enough that the food will cook).

Infect Blackie (her little cat) with rabies..

Tell her that, because she uses soft chi kun to heat things from within her body, she will not be able to lead any sort of sex life whatsoever.

Break her cell phone in half

Promise that you'll let her visit the Black Cat, then drop her off at Woodney's.

Drench her in gasoline.

Steal all of her snacks, crush them to bits, and feed them to a school of fish.

**Shiki**

Yank the yellow thing off his head.

Bleach his robes.

Tell him that in some cultures, insects are a delicacy, especially when fried and/or covered in chocolate.

Ask where the other six dwarves are.

Next time he travels on vacation, inform him that you've arranged for him to stay at a place called "Roach Motel".

Draw eyebrows on him.

Insist that Chronos didn't kill off the Taoist population; rather, they ran off like pansies when the X-Men came along.

Place a board on his head and use him as a table.

**Eathes**

Trade him for prescription drugs from Canada.


	8. Chronos Part 1

Twenty-five Ways to Irritate the Chronos Numbers (Part 1)

**Twenty-five Ways to Irritate the Chronos Numbers (Part 1)**

**Sephiria Arks (I)**

Call her "Dude!" as often as you can.

Go shopping for her and bring back lots of bras in AA.

Mention that a sword is usually considered a phallic symbol by psychologists, then ask if she's hiding anything from you.

Hit on her by telling her that she is "the one."

If ever she gets very emotional (like women often do), innocently coo "Someone forgot their testosterone injection today!"

Give her a very boyish haircut.

After telling you she'll do anything for the sake of Chronos, ask her to eat her own head.

Stick her sword in a wall and use it as a diving board.

Forge a mandate in her name stating that, in order to create a more gender equal environment, all male Numbers must wear kilts.

Tell her that the Chronos Elders have been doing her mom.

Invite her to join you for some Jipangu cuisine, but take her to a Mexican restaurant instead.

Ask her how many Numbers she's crossed off on her "to do" list.

**Belze Rochefort (II)**

Put his hair in pigtails.

Force him to wear an eye patch, insisting that as Number 2, he needs to stay in character.

Steal his Billowing Coat of Awesomeness.

Ask him repetitively if he's taken a stab at anyone with his "other spear", and no matter what his response, tell him he shouldn't use it on guys.

Use his spear as a golf club…

…or a limbo stick…

…or even a May pole.

Remind him that nobody cares what he thinks, and that he's going to get blamed for screwing up anyhow, even if he didn't do it (i.e. World Summit).

Dye his hair silver and call him Abel.

Pester him about what sort of a name is Belze, then sing "Jingle Bells" or "Silver Bells" as loud as you can.

Tell him that Sephiria is a lesbian.

**Chronos Elders**

Tell them that you know where they live.


	9. Apostles of the Stars Part 2

**Twenty-five Ways to Irritate the Apostles of the Stars (Part 2)**

**Maro**

Dye his outfit bright pink.

Ask him what sort of Spam he likes with his whole roasted pig.

Drop watermelons, tomatoes, bird crap, etc. from above so he can't divert it with his Tao powers.

For his birthday, tell him you couldn't find a muumuu big enough for him, so you got him a tent instead.

Bounce on his stomach while he's sleeping

**Echidna Parass**

Do the whole "mooooooole" thing from the third Austin Powers movie.

Casually ask if, by any chance, her mom slept with Sven's dad (might anger Sven as well, so watch out!).

Tell her that by now, everyone has seen her "gate".

Insist that Jennifer Lopez acted better in "Gigli" than she has in her best movies.

Put her in a zoo exhibit with other echidnas.

**Leon Elliot**

Remind him that he's going to grow up to be a crotchety old man someday, too.

Follow him around with a kite, constantly giving him expectant glances.

Tell him that Eve is already taken by Kevin McDougall.

Every day, cut an eighth of an inch from the middle of his board and put the main pieces back together. He'll think he's going nuts once he notices his board shrinking.

Refuse to feed him beans, stating that his farts are a threat to national security.

**Doctor Kanzaki**

Infiltrate and burn his porn stash.

Have Dr. House come over and give him a good ego bashing.

Point out that even if he has to create his own Warp World out of his Tao, he's probably never gotten laid in real life.

Tell him that a young, curious boy wants him to "personally treat" his condition. But don't tell him it's Benjamin Button.

Register him as a child molester.

**Durham Glaster**

Clog his gun with molasses.

Send him to a psychiatrist, insisting that you are very concerned about his gun fetish.

Tell him that his poncho, hat, and muzzle make him look like a gay cowboy with rabies.

**Deak Slasky**

Put two big googly eyes on his fuzzy Russian hat.

Make him spend the summer in El Azizia, Libya, the hottest desert on Earth.


	10. Chronos Part 2

**Twenty-five Ways to Irritate the Chronos Numbers (Part 2)**

**Kranz Maduke (IV)**

Offer to polish his helmet. With butter.

Have everyone scream "Oh my god, it's Robocop!" whenever he walks by them.

Force him to drive on the busiest freeway.

Blush and giggle hysterically when he tells you that his knife vibrates.

Ask him to cut your deli meat.

Paint a face on the back of his helmet.

Land him a job at the floral shop, then sit back and watch him take color-specific orders.

Get him a seeing-eye dog, but don't tell him it's actually a Chihuahua that hasn't been housebroken.

**Baldor S. Fanghini (VIII)**

Tie Heimdall's chain in a knot.

Sign him up for an anger management class led by Jenos.

Give him Juicy Fruit gum instead of his usual coffee-flavored gum just to see his reaction.

Cut off his goatee and maybe some of his hair while you're at it.

Replace his gum with sticky tack.

Switch out the booster button on Heimdall's handle for one that's connected to a bicycle horn.

Ask him why he doesn't have two balls like normal guys.

If you're a girl with a death wish (like the Authoress), give him a massive hickie where his VIII tattoo is.

**Lin Shaolee (X)**

Train the dog from #8 to pee on his scarf.

Address him by using girl names that have Lin in them, like Marilyn, Linda, Carolyn, etc.

Sing the Monty Python song "I Like Chinese".

Request for him to disguise himself as George W. Bush and run around Democratic National Headquarters.

Tell him that Glin is a gay-ass name and that someone as dumb as Lil Wayne could have come up with something better.

Fashion all of his Chinese clothing into short-skirted dresses.

Ask him how he could have gotten to know River so closely in such a short time, telling him that everyone else is convinced that he molested him.

Trade out his Seiren for a regular old grey scarf right before sending him out on a dangerous mission.

***Bonus* Anubis (VI)**

Give him a flea bath and put him up for adoption.


End file.
